Why I Have No Readers

A lot of you are probably not-commenting about the fact that no one reads my blog.  I really wanted to address this before my lack of readers scares off any more readers.  No one reads my blog because it is a secret.  No actually, it's a secret (don't you feel special now that you've found the hidden, secret blog - now go away - no actually don't - please?).  You see I actually have quite a few friends (there is no way to write that without sounding like I'm implying that you don't have friends, I'm sorry, I'm sure you have lots of friends, probably more friends than me) but I refuse to tell them about the blog, because then they would know that I blog and would tease me and my social standing would go down and I'd probably end up with less friends.  Also probably a bit because I'm self conscious and really don't want to be under their scrutiny.  My boyfriend thinks this is the most ridiculous thing ever.  I have sworn him to secrecy about the blog.  Sometimes he mentions it's existence in front of friends and then they are all like "Oh c'mon we won't judge you (yeah right!), you can't let us know about it and not tell us where it is!" (this is my second readerless blog) thinking that this will force me to relent and tell people the location of the blog, it doesn't.  My social paranoia can not be brought down with such guilt tactics.  Anyways I just wanted us to be clear that the reason I have no readers is not because I am tragically ugly or some sort of social pariah.

My boyfriend in his ongoing wish to promote my secret blog (which would really kinda destroy it's secret-ness) suggests that I follow some of the online suggestions to get readers.  I'd say the number one suggestion is to write useful content, well I suppose this is useful if you are also a paranoid freak who would like to feel not alone.  So check!  The next set of suggestions usually involve things that I either purposefully (twitter) or actually (what the fuck is an RSS Feed?  How do I mobile communicate?) don't understand.  I get the impression that if I had an IPhone my blog would probably somehow be ILaunched to billions of readers but my Samsung phone is old school and can only be used to communicate with people whose phone numbers I already have and, as discussed above, I have already ruled them out as readers.  The final suggestion most people give is to comment intelligently on similar blogs and leave my url.  Luckily for me blogs about boring neurotic people are a dime a dozen so I have plenty of company.  But then what should I say?

•  "Hahaha, so true, cheese is delicious.  Check out my blog!!!" 

or

• "wow, you and your children are so fascinating, please tell me more about your all organic origami vagina crochet project and then check out my blog!"

Of course there's always posting on blogs I like, but they often seem like super secret clubs.  I read the blogs and it's like I am hearing so much about this person, and then I read the comments and everyone is all laughing and already friends and I feel like I'm just some creeper eavesdropping on their blogclub and if I talk they'll all be weirded out that I read what they wrote cause I'm a stranger and they intended it for their friends and better looking, funnier, cooler strangers (although I do want to re-iterate, that I'm actually not that bad looking, and kinda cool, kay?).  I guess I'm also worried that people will hate my blog and that it sucks like that voice in my head that won't let me tell my friends about it tells me it does.

Anyways, I just wanted to clear all this up because lately I've been commenting on some blogs and I'm really worried that somehow someone will end up here they will be all like "OMG, this creepy stalker girl who has no friends is reading my blog!"  Instead you can be more accurate and think "OMG, this creepy, stalker, self-absorbed, delusional freak who has no friends is reading my blog!"

P.S. I do like a lot of craft blogs, I just also hate a lot of craft blogs, so if you have a craft blog and I commented on it, then probably that organic origami vagina crochet project comment doesn't apply.  Same goes for kid blogs, family blogs, cheese blogs whatever.

P.P.S. Even if I didn't comment on your craft blog, I'm still not trying to insult it, the internet's a big place, I probably haven't seen your blog if I'm not following it.

P.P.P.S. I promised myself I would be unapologetic about my commentary and try to curb my paranoia when I started blogging, so you can just take back the previous P.S.'s.